Please help me … I have been kidnapped
and am being held in a remote location in France. My kidnapper’s ransom demands
will follow at the end of the blog. Here
is my statement for the French police.
After crossing the Col du Pillon, I
cycled out of the Alps via the beautiful lakeside Swiss town of Thun with its
trendy waterfront cafes and turreted castles. The excellent system of Swiss
bicycle trails then whisked me along the course of the River Aare, whose
fast-flowing, broiling waters took me by pretty little villages of wooden
houses and through deep forests of tall pines. In most Swiss villages you will
find a water fountain of some description which is always great for topping up
your water bottles or retouching your hair which is usually matted like felt
after several hot hours under a helmet. In the village of Wolfwil I was charmed
by a dozen water fountains, all of a different design – on one you had to turn
a handle to make the water come out of a dragon’s mouth and another was powered
by a waterwheel. A local man told me that the water here comes from deep
underground and gives you great strength. I would need strength for the drama
that lay ahead.
An easy climb in the rain took me
north from the River Aare and over forested hills to join one of Europe’s great
rivers, the mighty Rhine. It had been my plan to follow the course of the Rhine
north to Rotterdam to catch a boat home and so I cycled on through Basel and picked
up a beautiful cycle path along a quiet canal close to the river. I cycled passed a system of huge locks on the river that allow the long, squat cargo boats to pass the hydroelectric dams. It was here
that I met trouble. On the opposite side of the canal, parked in a picnic spot,
I spotted a large white van, with two high windows, a satellite dish and a
good-looking Belgian man. I went over for a closer look but before I knew what
had happened, my kidnapper used his charms to entice me into the van and I was
driven hundreds of miles back to the Alps. My kidnapper is now forcing me every
day to do terrible things … things such as … climbing high mountains covered
with spring flowers, cycling up impossibly steep cols and whizzing down the
other side, eating delicious homemade bolognaise, drinking glasses of wine as
the sun dips behind the peaks and snuggling under a warm duvet each night,
reliving the memories of the day. It is a living hell!
I ask my family and friends not to be
concerned as I am sure I will be released soon. But please, please send my
kidnapper’s ransom demands as soon as possible … a large bag of fun-size
Snickers and two Belgian beers.
Photos of my ordeal on Flickr.
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